One of my friends, Dolma, has wanted to get married forever. She’s never made it until today. And just how could she? You see, she’s not even allowed to be seen with her boyfriend in public. You tell me: How could that ever lead to marriage?
Like a slice of ham in a sandwich, she’s stuck between her parents’ wishes (“Tibetans should marry Tibetans”, sound familiar, huh) and her dream partner Daniel („Did you tell them now? Or else I will“!). So their relationship has languished in hiding for the longest time. The desperate hope being that some sort of force majeure will make everything alright.
Her mother and father are using age-old proven Asian parental tricks. Like causing the kid a bad conscience: “After all the things we’ve done for you… (blah, blah)”. Or they ignore her by not talking to her for days, or threaten directly: “If you marry a foreigner, you must leave this place. You must never bring him to any Tibetan gathering, you can forget about us, we will cut off all contact with you.” Or the all-time favourite : “If you marry a foreigner, you are no longer our daughter!”
Poor Dolma, falls completely for it. Wants to do everything right. At the same time, she doesn’t want to lose Daniel. Poor Daniel too. He’s been putting up with this for so long. Still harbors no ill-feeling against her parents. But just for how much longer will he be able to pull himself together?
„Dolma“, I told her the other day, „when I look at you, I remember an old Tibetan saying: Lungpa sharko, nama sharko“ - „blind country, blind brides“. Where on earth should you present a Tibetan partner to your parents if you live in a foreign country? Aren’t our parents like people who look for strawberries in the northpole? There’s just no such thing, Good Lord!” A tired smile went over my friend’s face. It was easy for me to talk big. A part of her was like remote-controlled by the parents who, if we look close, are pretty selfish with their good intentions.
“Look,” I started again, “even if you found a Tibetan partner in this country, your parents’ wishes are insatiable.” As soon as the top condition is met, they’ll start with the fine-tuning. Like regional affialiation: “Where in Tibet exactly did you say his parents are from?” Or religious orientation: ‘Are they red hats, yellow hats, Bonpo, Kagyud, Sakya? - Holy Trinity, we hope he’s not one of those deamon-worshippers???”
Then we touched on the most important point: Compatibility. Something, she noticed with shock, her parents had never addressed. Amala-tso, Pala-tso! If “Tibetan” were the only criteria, we could all throw ourselves at the next best Tib and it would work. Fully compatible. Zero personality required, no common interests necessary. Suffice it to belong to the same race. How bad can it get? Makes you get the creeps too?
In any event, Tibetans outside are obsessed with the thought that Tibetan culture is doomed. No clue if Dolma’s parents are so fixed on a Tibetan partner to support the perishing Tibetan culture? Or maybe they are racist? Hey, please don’t laugh. It could be. Think: How would Dolma feel, if Daniel’s parents wouldn’t approve of her because she is a foreigner and they only like their own kind as an in-law? Smacks of racism doesn’t it?
But I think it’s fear. Pure and simple. Fear of Western influence, fear of Chinese influence, fear of Indian influence, fear even of non-mainstream Tibetan influence. A mentality where you have lost before you even started. Why not embrace the foreigner as one more “convert”, one more potential carrier of Tibetan culture, one more enabler of cultural exchange? Why be so uptight?
I don’t believe our culture is doomed. I believe Tibetan culture is strong and evolving, absorbing things from other cultures. I don’t have a problem with that. It’s normal. And, oh I forgot, Dolma moved in with Daniel the other day. The next step is marriage. Her parents will get over it. No alternative. - And I believe in love marriage.
Mountain Phoenix
All written content on this blog is coyprighted. Please do not repost entire essays on your websites without seeking my prior written consent.
Like a slice of ham in a sandwich, she’s stuck between her parents’ wishes (“Tibetans should marry Tibetans”, sound familiar, huh) and her dream partner Daniel („Did you tell them now? Or else I will“!). So their relationship has languished in hiding for the longest time. The desperate hope being that some sort of force majeure will make everything alright.Her mother and father are using age-old proven Asian parental tricks. Like causing the kid a bad conscience: “After all the things we’ve done for you… (blah, blah)”. Or they ignore her by not talking to her for days, or threaten directly: “If you marry a foreigner, you must leave this place. You must never bring him to any Tibetan gathering, you can forget about us, we will cut off all contact with you.” Or the all-time favourite : “If you marry a foreigner, you are no longer our daughter!”
Poor Dolma, falls completely for it. Wants to do everything right. At the same time, she doesn’t want to lose Daniel. Poor Daniel too. He’s been putting up with this for so long. Still harbors no ill-feeling against her parents. But just for how much longer will he be able to pull himself together?
„Dolma“, I told her the other day, „when I look at you, I remember an old Tibetan saying: Lungpa sharko, nama sharko“ - „blind country, blind brides“. Where on earth should you present a Tibetan partner to your parents if you live in a foreign country? Aren’t our parents like people who look for strawberries in the northpole? There’s just no such thing, Good Lord!” A tired smile went over my friend’s face. It was easy for me to talk big. A part of her was like remote-controlled by the parents who, if we look close, are pretty selfish with their good intentions.
“Look,” I started again, “even if you found a Tibetan partner in this country, your parents’ wishes are insatiable.” As soon as the top condition is met, they’ll start with the fine-tuning. Like regional affialiation: “Where in Tibet exactly did you say his parents are from?” Or religious orientation: ‘Are they red hats, yellow hats, Bonpo, Kagyud, Sakya? - Holy Trinity, we hope he’s not one of those deamon-worshippers???”
Then we touched on the most important point: Compatibility. Something, she noticed with shock, her parents had never addressed. Amala-tso, Pala-tso! If “Tibetan” were the only criteria, we could all throw ourselves at the next best Tib and it would work. Fully compatible. Zero personality required, no common interests necessary. Suffice it to belong to the same race. How bad can it get? Makes you get the creeps too?
In any event, Tibetans outside are obsessed with the thought that Tibetan culture is doomed. No clue if Dolma’s parents are so fixed on a Tibetan partner to support the perishing Tibetan culture? Or maybe they are racist? Hey, please don’t laugh. It could be. Think: How would Dolma feel, if Daniel’s parents wouldn’t approve of her because she is a foreigner and they only like their own kind as an in-law? Smacks of racism doesn’t it?
But I think it’s fear. Pure and simple. Fear of Western influence, fear of Chinese influence, fear of Indian influence, fear even of non-mainstream Tibetan influence. A mentality where you have lost before you even started. Why not embrace the foreigner as one more “convert”, one more potential carrier of Tibetan culture, one more enabler of cultural exchange? Why be so uptight?
I don’t believe our culture is doomed. I believe Tibetan culture is strong and evolving, absorbing things from other cultures. I don’t have a problem with that. It’s normal. And, oh I forgot, Dolma moved in with Daniel the other day. The next step is marriage. Her parents will get over it. No alternative. - And I believe in love marriage.
Mountain Phoenix
All written content on this blog is coyprighted. Please do not repost entire essays on your websites without seeking my prior written consent.
4 comments:
As a Tibetan, I disgree that you are that forward looking, independent minded, or that you have a bird's eye view of things. You seem very caught up in your own world, which seems to be highly coloured by Western mass media's social and cultural constructs. However I do feel from your blogs that you have a good heart and an ethical leaning, and I enjoyed your writing.
I LOVE READING YOUR BLOGS. BUT ON THIS VERY TOPIC I DISAGREE WITH YOU. IT'S NOT THAT I AM CONSERVATIVE OR RACIST. I GUESS I AM JUST BEING REALTISTIC SEEING ALL THE PROBLEMS MY FRIENDS FACES IN THEIR DAILY LIFE. I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE MARRIED TO NEPALESE, INGIS AND OTHERS. 90% OF THESE RELATIONSHIP END UP IN DIVORCE. AND ONCE THEY HAVE KIDS. THESE KIDS DON'T REALLY KNOW IF THEY ARE TIBETAN OR THE OTHER HALF. I FEEL PITY FOR THE KIDS.
I discovered your blog just an hour ago and I'm hooked. This is the third piece I read in one sitting. I think your blog is the best by a Tibetan exile; it's refreshingly irreverent, forthright, insightful, thought-provoking, apolitical, very matter-of-fact. Really enjoyed reading you.
Dear Anonymous
Thank you for heaping praise on my blog. The reason why I started "Mountain Phoenix over Tibet" was because I wanted to share a critical look at topics that go under our skin - my hope being this would better enable us to tackle some of the challenges we face as a people. What gives me a thrill is when Mountain Phoenix can get a couple of people thinking. Thus whoever ends up here and likes it: You are more than welcome to visit back - many happy returns!
Mountain Phoenix
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